Welcome to Metro’s very first edition of The Money Problem, from award-winning personal finance journalist and consumer champion, Sarah Davidson.
Every Monday, she’ll investigate a reader’s money dilemma, offering a no-nonsense perspective on what’s gone wrong along with guidance and advocacy to help make things right.
This week, we hear from 31-year-old Esme, whose newly-divorced mum needs somewhere to stay.
Although Esme and her boyfriend have offered up the spare room in their Edinburgh flat, family think she’s out of line for asking their mum to chip in for their mortgage.
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The question…
My parents recently got divorced and while my dad has moved into a new place, my mum is struggling to find somewhere. She works as a receptionist at a dentist, but with rent prices through the roof near us, her salary is barely enough for a tiny bedsit – and there’s no way she can flatshare at nearly 60.
After chatting with my boyfriend, we’ve agreed to let her live with us – at least while she’s getting back on her feet. We have a big spare room with an en-suite, so there’s no issue with space. Her living here will add to our bills though, and we want to ensure she covers these extra costs (at the very least).
Would it be fair to set her ‘rent’ at half our monthly mortgage payment, or is there a better way to calculate what she contributes? In my opinion we’re doing her a favour and she’s getting a good deal compared to what she’d pay on the open market, but my siblings are calling me a money-grabber.
The answer…
Good question. On the one hand, you’re helping your mum out in a tricky situation, but it is going to create additional costs for you and your boyfriend. Why then are your siblings accusing you of being money-grabbing? I think there are two questions you need to answer here.
The first is why you’re asking your mum move in with you. The second is what she might reasonably contribute financially.
On the first question, you clearly don’t want your mum to have to live in a bedsit or to be forced to get a room in a shared house. That tells me you care about her dignity, comfort and that she has family support after her marriage has ended.
On the second, should you be charging her rent and if so how much?
You say that, in your opinion, you’re doing her a favour and she would be getting a good deal compared to renting on her own. This may be true if you compare those options purely in financial terms. But this decision isn’t just financial.
To be blunt, asking her to pay half your mortgage is unreasonable. There are going to be three of you in the house after all and whether or not she moves in with you, you and your boyfriend are going to have to cover your mortgage.
It sounds like you’re confusing helping your mum because you love her with the opportunity to make some cash out of your big spare room with its en-suite. It may be that your boyfriend, whose home it is too, wants to see some benefit in return for giving up your privacy as a couple. After all, she is not his mum.
But it would be far fairer to ask her to pay the difference between your household bills now and after she moves in.
I’d also encourage you to think about what your priority is here. You say this is a temporary situation while she’s getting back on her feet.
What’s the best way to help her do that? Is it taking a chunk of her income every month so you can pay off your own mortgage sooner? Or, is it to give her time to save enough money to get her own place to live? The more rent you charge her, the longer it’s going to take her to regain her independence.
You might also want to consider how much money she and your dad have spent on your upbringing over the years.
I think you, your boyfriend and your mum need to have a frank conversation not just about her moving in but also what her plan is longer term. The chances are she wants this arrangement to be temporary too, so then the question becomes how to make that happen.
One final thing I’d caution you on. Mixing family and money can be absolutely toxic for relationships – even if you think everyone’s on the same page at the start.
She’s your mum. She’s in a horrible position. Her entire life is changing following a divorce.
You’re thinking with your head here. Perhaps it’s time to have a heart.
Sarah Davidson is an award-winning financial editor and head of research at WPB.
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