There was a time when Michelle Elman was crying constantly, rarely laughed, and couldn’t face leaving the house.
Many people assumed this drastic personality change was due to discovering her fiancé had cheated just 24 hours after announcing the engagement in April 2024. However, the truth was more complicated.
Of course, she was completely bereft that her dream partner wasn’t who she thought he was, but what she didn’t openly share at the time was that she was also heartbroken at the end of a 20-year friendship.
Previously, the This Morning life coach and her friend had weekly sleepovers, laughed uncontrollably on fun holidays, and were by each other’s side during life’s highs and lows, so the loss felt big.
Their initial fallout was over something small. Michelle kept some distance, waiting for the right time to discuss their issues, but the nail in the coffin came when the friend didn’t congratulate her on the proposal or console her when things went wrong. Instead, she wanted to continue their argument.
‘Honestly, I’ve never been more hurt. It hurt more than what I was going through romantically. It hurt in a way that my breakup didn’t,’ she tells Metro. She adds that speaking about it still gives her goosebumps.
Rom-coms have us believing a man with a nice haircut and casual smile is the only one who can cause us heartbreak, but it’s simply not true. ‘Friendship breakups are worse than romantic ones. They are knives in the chest,’ Michelle, 32, says adamantly. ‘My excruciating experience proves that.’
The very real pain of friendship breakups
Ironically, she was in the midst of writing a book on the subject of friendships when it happened, but couldn’t find the words to communicate the pain. In a way, it further justified the need for her work.
Michelle believes there’s been a lack of focus on the complexities of female friendship as it’s a ‘women’s issue’ and society focuses on other relationships as they have more obvious benefits (e.g. finding romantic love can mean having a traditional family).
‘We don’t discuss friendships falling apart enough to have the language. Even ‘friendship breakup’ is a clumsy term. It’s a hand-me-down from dating speak,’ she explains.
And when we do talk about it, it isn’t always flattering. ‘If a woman went through romantic breakups, you accept that it’s probably two-sided, or that she’s unlucky. If a woman falls out with multiple friends, we can be more judgmental.’
Michelle adds that this also means less sympathy: ‘Hypothetically, if I walked into a place and said, “My boyfriend has broken up with me”, I would be met with so much compassion and kindness.
‘If I said my best friend just broke up with me, I would sound like a 13-year-old. How is that fair?’
Putting greater importance on friendships
The key to no longer ignoring the very real pain of friendship breakups is to acknowledge just how significant friendships are when they are not falling apart, says Michelle.
‘Friendship is so life-changing. I wouldn’t survive without my friends,’ she adds. Her stories of what they’ve added to her life are endless, from a friend getting her a job at This Morning to others being at her bedside during hospital stays. Then there are the everyday gestures, like simply answering the phone when she’s having a bad day.
Michelle continues: ‘We need a whole perspective shift around friendship, because it’s good for your health.’ Indeed, research has found that if you have a happy friend, then you’re 9% more likely to be happy yourself, while friends can help increase lifespan, improve sleep quality, strengthen our ability to heal skin punctures faster and decrease the risk of depression.
‘Having friends is the equivalent of quitting smoking when it comes to health benefits. We talk about Barry’s Bootcamps and Soul Cycle as a way to improve health, but we don’t talk about getting more friends.’
At this point, Michelle exhales deeply, indicating this is far from the first time she’s had to argue their significance, before solemnly adding: ‘But more than that, you should be putting energy into your friendships, because ultimately, at the end of your life, they are what will have mattered.’
She apologises for sounding morbid, explaining that having 15 surgeries before the age of 20 has meant having a strong concept of what’s important. Michelle was born with an excess of cerebrospinal fluid, a brain tumour and hydrocephalus. She has also had an obstructed bowel and a punctured intestine.
Why friendships end
As Michelle understands what friendships provide and how ‘fragile’ they can be, she often worries about breaking up. She points out we’re not given a clear roadmap to making it through an ending. After a romantic relationship, crying while watching The Notebook, upping our Ben and Jerry’s intake and filling our calendar with more social events are all accepted norms. And yet when a friendship is over, we’re expected to continue as normal.
Talking about why friends can fall out, she lists losing trust, different expectations, and choosing opposite life paths. She also says we may have become too individualistic.
How to navigate a friendship breakup
See it as a last resort
Despite writing a book about how to get through breakups, Michelle says that we shouldn’t give up too early. ‘I am not likely to end a friendship unless it’s the last resort, as I know the pain of a breakup, so if there’s any way to salvage it, I will,’ she says.
I’ve had disagreements in the last few months where I’ve started with: “I want to resolve this, I don’t want to break up. I love you too much.” Consider whether you actually want to end a friendship or if you just need some space.’ She also suggests taking space as a first step, but to communicate this is what you’re doing, so a friend is not left wondering.
Having the difficult conversation
When we’re breaking up with a romantic partner, we soften with phrases such as “This isn’t working” or “I think we’re better as friends” rather than “I’m breaking up with you”.
‘We don’t have this framework for friends yet, but I would advise that you explain why the friendship is over, and if you can, also thank them for when the friendship was better and wish them well. You need to be clear that the friendship is over, so there’s no confusion, but there is no benefit in being mean.’
The worst thing we can do is ghost, says Michelle. ‘It’s seen as unacceptable when it’s someone you’re dating, and it shouldn’t be done in friendships. It’s unfair.’
Moving on
‘It’s difficult to lose a friend, but I believe that there is a natural cycle to friendships, and that not all of them are meant to survive,’ says Michelle.
‘We can still value what they brought to our lives while mourning the loss. You don’t have to forgive if you feel that someone wronged you; instead, let the aim be moving on and letting go.’
Michelle says that whatever your former friend told you in confidence should remain that way, as you would hope for the same back.
‘I realise I’m a big proponent of the boundaries conversation, but it has gone too far,’ she says. ‘We have a culture where it’s okay to cancel on friends to put yourself first. We have to add nuance and complexity to it. Sometimes friendships are gonna be inconvenient. Sometimes friendship is about you, and sometimes it’s about me.’
The future of friendship
Michelle is determined to convince people to start prioritising their platonic relationships. ‘We should put more energy into saving friendships,’ she argues.
‘We should invest time, and be there for friends even when we’re having a hard time. It shouldn’t be expected that dinner once every three months is enough for the bond to remain strong.
‘If you want people to show up for you, you show up for them. It sounds transactional, but it’s not how I view it.’
With her advice spinning around my mind, I insist on dinner with my best friend, whom I’ve not seen for two months. As we sip on our 2-for-1 cocktails and giggle at shared memories, I find myself thinking that if this friendship leads to a heartbreak one day, it was worth it.
Also, I won’t begrudge myself Ben & Jerry’s cookie dough and plenty of tears if the worst happens, because it is what the relationship deserves.
Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal by Michelle Elman is published in hardback at £20 by Renegade Books and is available to buy now
*Dynamic spread of happiness in a large social network: longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study. The Good Life: Lessons from the World’s Longest Study on Happiness by Robert Waldinger and Mark Schulz. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review in the National Library of Medicine.
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