From darkness to light: Carlow man’s journey after brother’s suicide

In a split second, Ian’s world was shattered and came tumbling down around him as he was informed that his older brother, James, had taken his own life.

The days, the weeks, the months and the years that followed that phone call were some of the hardest and darkest days Ian ever faced as he navigated life without his big brother by his side.

“My brother, James, decided to take his own life in December of 2016 when I was in my early 20s,” Ian told The Irish Independent. “There’s a lot that I remember but also don’t remember from that time but one memory that will never leave me is getting that horrendous phone call telling me that James had ended his own life.”

This wasn’t James’ first suicide attempt but in the time leading up to his death he seemed to be doing better.

“My brother’s suicide did and didn’t come as a shock. The unfortunate part is that it wasn’t James’ first suicide attempt.”

Ian said that first time James had essentially posted a cry for help on social media alerting Ian and James’ wife who quickly located him and got him help.

However, in December 2016 James’ didn’t give any indication he was struggling.

“There was nothing that could have given us the heads up to go to him straight away. Thankfully the time before that, we did get to him in time. So it wasn’t that his suicide was out of the blue entirely. We were aware that he had been struggling within himself, but it seemed after the first attempt that he was doing a lot better. He had moved job, he was happy and he was doing well.”

James was Ian’s older brother by nine years. Because of the age gap, they weren’t particularly close as children, but in the years before James’ death, Ian and James became very close which made it even harder for Ian to come to terms with his brother’s suicide.

“There was a nine year age gap between myself and James so when he died we were kind of at the age where we were the closest we ever were in terms of we were both adults and we were both working so our lives weren’t too dissimilar.

“Whereas before that time I was always the child and he was an adult and then eventually when I reached my mid 20s we were both adults so we got close and he would ring me every week.

“For me, I was really happy that we had grown closer and that he was ringing me and we were talking so frequently, so because of that, it did hurt that little bit more when he ended his life.

“Before his death he was ringing me every week and he was checking in and we were very close, so it was a hard pill to swallow.”

Navigating the five stages of grief after suicide loss

Following the death of his brother, Ian’s own mental health took a serious hit as he tried to navigate and cope with the “five stages of grief”.

“I often talk about the five stages of grief you go through following the death of a loved one as I went through those stages myself after James ended his life,” explained Ian.

“The first stage of grief I went through directly after his death was denial. I was in denial about what James had done and also the fact that he wasn’t there anymore.

“For a while after his death, if I was driving down the road and I saw someone with a haircut that was like his, I would stop and do a double take thinking that it was him. Then after a couple of seconds passed, reality would hit me hard that it couldn’t be James as he’s no longer here.”

When the denial stage passed, it was the anger stage that came knocking next for Ian.

“Once the denial stage was over, it turned to anger for me,” recalled Ian. “It was anger in three ways. It was anger in myself, physical anger like wanting to pick up a cup and throw it against the wall anger.

“I was obviously also angry at him for his choice and that he had left four kids behind and a wife and my mother who was heartbroken and myself as well.

“The other anger I felt was anger for him and that ties into Pieta House and its amazing services and the charity work. I was angry that maybe he wasn’t aware of a phone number that is 24/7 and you can pick it up and talk to someone no matter where you are and what time of the day it is.

“Maybe he wasn’t aware that he could speak to someone about his problems and maybe he wasn’t aware that it was free and Pieta House offers counselling and that’s why the Darkness into Light walks take place, to fund those free services.”

After the anger stage came the bargaining stage. “I’m being very vulnerable and raw about this, but the next stage I experienced was the bargaining stage,” said Ian.

“I bargained in my head and I was like ‘this is horrible but what’s worse?’. For me, what would have been worse is if he had decided to take someone else’s life while taking his own.

“The bargaining stage was a very strange experience because to lose someone to suicide is an awful situation to be in, but you’re trying to bargain with yourself and tell yourself it could have been worse.”

For Ian, the five stages of grief didn’t go in order as he found himself jumping back and forth between the various stages at different points during the grieving process.

“I went back and forward between the five stages at different times. For me, they were never one to five, it could have been one, five, four, three, two for example, but eventually you do work through them.

“The depression stage for me probably lasted a lot longer than I realised. I would like to think it was a year or two after my brother’s suicide, but to be honest, I was probably in that stage for a couple of years after. While I found the anger stage the hardest to deal with, the depression stage stuck around for the longest.”

It’s so important to speak to someone if you need help

The length of the depression stage was what led Ian down the route of getting counselling. To this day, Ian still goes for counselling once a week.

“I did eventually decide that I needed to do something to help myself so I did get counselling. I wanted to make sure that I didn’t get to the point that my mental health had deteriorated so much that I found myself in a position like James so I was adamant that I needed to help myself now.

“To this day, I still go to counselling every week. It’s so important to speak to someone if you need help. I think for men especially, there’s still a certain level of stigma around mental health. That’s why I want to be honest and open about my own struggles so that other men realise there is no shame in reaching out for help.”

After four long and difficult stages of grief, Ian found himself at the final and most important stage: acceptance.

“In the last two or three years, I kind of have the outlook, as bad as it might sound, that it is what it is. There’s nothing I or anyone can do about it. There’s nothing I can do that will bring James back.

“You have to basically move on and try to help other people. For me, my acceptance comes from wanting to speak about my personal story. My goal is to help as many people as I can by sharing that story. Especially for young men as statistics show they are most likely to die by suicide. If my story helps them, then that’s a win.”

Helping others as darkness into light chairperson

This year, Ian has been chosen to be the chairperson for the Carlow Darkness into Light walk. So far, a staggering 700 people have signed up to take part.

“It’s incredibly humbling to know that about 700 people have already signed up to take part in the Carlow Darkness into Light walk. To see that there is a community and a community spirit there is amazing.

“Suicide tears families and communities apart, but Darkness into Light brings them back together,” said Ian. “It brings people together who have similar stories to myself and so many other people across the country.

“It also brings together people who may not necessarily have lost a loved one to suicide, but they still want to help and raise money and awareness for Pieta House and its lifesaving services.

“You never know when you or a loved one will need that help.”

You might think you are only going for a walk, but you are making a real difference

For anyone who is yet to sign up for Darkness into Light, there are walks taking place in every corner of Ireland with the money raised going directly to Pieta House to fund services that are a lifeline to so many in our communities.

For many people, their life has been saved by the free 24/7 crisis helpline and counselling offered by Pieta House.

“You might think that you’re getting up in the early hours of the morning to do the walk alone, but in reality, you’ll be walking alongside thousands of other people that are doing it for the exact same reason as yourself.

“You might think you are only going for a walk, but you are making a real difference.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this article please click here for help