Whether it’s something to toast with or you need Dutch courage for the dance floor, booze tends to be a key ingredient at weddings.
But for one bride-to-be, alcohol is becoming a source of anxiety, not celebration. Her fiancé drinks daily, parties (too) hard with his friends and, worst of all, won’t admit there’s anything wrong.
Rather than feeling pre-wedding excitement, she’s now dreading the big day and considering making a life-changing decision.
Before you read on, check out last week’s column about a woman who wants to leave her much older husband, for her younger lover.
The problem:
I’ve been with my fiancé for seven years and we’re due to marry in 2026. My family think I’m thrilled and looking forward to it, but actually as the time goes by, I’m starting to dread it
The trouble is that my boyfriend has an alcohol problem, which he denies, even though he drinks every day. He tends not to get hopelessly drunk in front of me, but when he goes out with his friends – at least once a week, and sometimes for entire weekends – he gets absolutely plastered. All his mates think this is really funny, but the joke is lost on me.
I’ve seen many photos of him online, passed out and posed with stupid things like traffic cones on his head. He’s 32, this is something he should have grown out of years ago!
I dare not tell my family as they would worry and probably interfere. But I’ve confided in a few close friends and shown them the social media posts, which horrify all of them. No one thinks I should go ahead with the wedding until he sorts himself out.
Sex is okay but not great, and when he’s been out with his friends it’s hopeless. His efforts at love-making are more often than not just an embarrassing fumble, and he frequently falls asleep midway through the act.
We’re at the point where he has to have a couple of cans just to be ‘normal’. I’ve tried to tell him he has a drink problem but he says he doesn’t, and has a go at me for making a fuss. I keep hoping that the lovely guy I first met will somehow reappear, but it doesn’t seem to be happening.
The advice:
I’m afraid I agree with you – your fiancé does seem to have a problem with alcohol. Unfortunately, until he admits it, this isn’t something you can do much about.
Like all addicts, he can’t be made to cut down, forced into rehab, or compelled to have therapy. He has to want to do it himself, and until he accepts that he has an issue, it’s unlikely you’ll get anywhere.
I wonder what his background is, and whether he has underlying challenges that he tries to solve with drink. Sometimes that’s the way, so a serious but understanding talk when he’s sober might pay dividends. Even if he can’t (or won’t) say what lies behind this destructive behaviour, you need to make clear that he either gets help, or he’ll destroy your relationship.
You shouldn’t have to put up with someone who falls asleep in the middle of sex, or has pictures plastered all over social media of themselves – well, plastered. You deserve more and by putting up with his alcoholic exploits, you’re accepting second best.
Problem drinkers (and other addicts) do great harm to their own physical health, as well as to their relationships. If you really hope to spend your life with this guy, I think the time has come when you have to be cruel to be kind.
Tell him the wedding is on hold until he gets help for his drinking. If he refuses then you need to think about leaving him; it might be the jolt he needs to sort himself out.
If he’s determined to ignore you, you might have to plan a future without him.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
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