The conversations after sex are the most intimate part of one-night stands

You lock eyes with a stranger across the bar. After a few drinks or a bit of flirting, you end up going home with them and, inevitably, having sex.

So much talk is given to hook-up culture, but not much is said about the interactions that come afterwards. You might enjoy a bit of banter, attempt small talk about the news, or even make a bacon sandwich together.

Or equally, they might confess something to you they’d only reveal to a stranger. A secret, or a snippet of insight into their life. In many ways, it’s easier to open up to an outsider – it holds less emotional weight.

This idea is one of many explored in Conversations After Sex, which is currently showing at the Park Theatre in North London.

Centred around one woman and her encounters with one-night stands and casual flings, the play explores the ‘magic and loneliness’ of sex with strangers.

Written by Mark O’Halloran, the work was acquired by Olivia Lindsay’s Ye You Productions – and Olivia also plays the female lead, simply known as ‘She.’

We never find out what her name is, nor those of the men she sleeps with – and this perhaps feels intentional. What’s the point in knowing someone by name if you might never see them again?

Why are conversations after sex so intimate?

As Olivia tells Metro, it’s ‘easier to open up to a stranger sometimes’ – and what we see is ‘two people who don’t really know each other, but they’re able to give themselves in these post-coital, immediate situations.’

For She, casual sex leads to her revealing she lost her ex-boyfriend to suicide, inherited her home from her father after he died, and she’s not sure whether she really wants kids.

In return, her hook-ups open up about their past relationships and sick relatives – a kind of candid honesty you’re not always afforded in other more long-standing relationships – and this translates off the stage, too. The conversations in the play were inspired by real-life experiences of the playwright and friends.

‘It’s so much easier to unload to someone who you don’t know, because there’s no repercussion and there’s no judgement,’ Olivia explains.

‘You’re in a vulnerable and intimate situation, but you’re also able just to be honest and present with that person. I think a lot of people will recognise that in their own lives, whether that’s with a one-night stand, or [meeting] someone in the bathroom, at a bar or on the Tube…you’re able to offload.’

For Olivia, part of the joy of casual sex is how ‘funny and sexy’ one-night stands can be – and that magic is often exacerbated by the fact that it’s only destined to be a fleeting encounter.

‘I think it can be really freeing, powerful and sexy. You don’t know this person, like you’re kind of figuring them out in the few hours you have together,’ she shares.

‘You don’t have to see them again, so you can enjoy it for what it is, and utilise each other in a way that’s really powerful.’

Interestingly, some couples in long-term, committed relationships fail to have such deep conversations after sex. It’s all too easy to get ‘caught up in routines’ like the ‘morning rush’ or simply dozing off, says Lovehoney’s sex and relationship expert Annabelle Knight. 

And there’s something about a clean slate that encourages vulnerability – even if neither party is looking for anything serious.

‘Stripping that layer of expectation away with casual sex can feel liberating – like meeting a stranger who you can be raw and candid with without obsessing over the repercussions of your words,’ Annabelle shares.

‘It’s important to be empathetic and attentive to each other’s feelings, but unlike sex with a partner, you’re not entirely responsible for how this is carried forward.

Do one-night stands help us to learn more about ourselves?

One-night stands can sometimes act as a mirror, where you end up learning something about yourself.

Through the interactions She has with various partners, we see her taking on board a new life lesson – whether she’s sharing a secret or making conclusions about the way she reacts to other people’s.

In Annabelle’s view, casual sex can also allow us to ‘experiment with fantasies’ where ‘dynamics have not yet been established.

‘As long as it is completely consensual and boundaries are in place, casual sex can be a great environment for exploration and learning. You can often experiment with what turns you on in a non-pressure environment, without too many expectations or even responsibilities to be in alignment with your partner’s needs,’ she explains

It’s not just sex with strangers that can build you as a person – even just talking to someone new in a casual way, perhaps going on a few dates or exchanging messages on a dating app, can help you to decipher what you do and don’t want in a partner.

‘You’re having new conversations. What are your interests? What stimulates you intellectually and emotionally?’ Olivia adds.

‘Dating, especially meeting new people, is so imperative to finding the right person – if you want to end up with one person.’

Do one-night stands always need to be intimate?

In short – no. One-night stands don’t always have to involve a life-altering lesson, or an interaction with a stranger that went beyond surface-level.

Sometimes, sex is just sex – and if it’s casual, it’s casual for a reason – as not everyone wants to extract meaning, or indeed a relationship, out of their hook-ups.

‘People have varying boundaries, needs, and expectations for casual sex, and it’s essential to lay these out beforehand to avoid those feelings of rejection or dissatisfaction,’ Annabelle believes.

‘These open and honest conversations are a great form of intimacy. Many people forget that intimacy transcends touch, and is in the way we interact emotionally, too.’

Conversations After Sex is showing at the Park Theatre in Finsbury Park until Saturday, May 17.

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