The zeitgeist is abuzz with an upexpected topic this week: virginity.
Channel 4’s Virgin Island – a controversial reality programme that sees 20-somethings gear up to lose their V-card via sex surrogates – includes a claim that there are more adult virgins than ever before.
One in eight people aged 26 in the UK haven’t had sex, according to a UCL study of 16,000 people, and just 1% of Brits lose their virginity aged 23 to 26.
The young men and women on the show are yet to have any form of sex from outercourse to intercourse, and aren’t content with being virgins – claiming they feel there’s something wrong with them.
Take drama graduate Tom, 23, who says: ‘If I can lose my virginity that’s one less thing for people to ridicule me over.’
The show has been slammed for being ‘exploitative’ and ‘creepy’, but it’s brought the topic of virginity to the forefront, and it’s not just TV where virgins are talking about their experiences. Metro’s latest How I Do It diarist, Hannah, 23, shared she’s keen to lose her virginity by the end of the year.
‘It’s like seeing something really popular in the shops that I really want and know all my friends have, but for some reason I’m not allowed it,’ she explained.
Of course, some simply don’t have the desire to have sex or choose to save themselves for that special someone. But why else is virginity on the rise? We’ve got the juicy details…
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Sex is too available but it’s all online…
Wherever you look, sex or interactions that lead to sex, are in abundance from dating apps to porn.
Katie Callaghan, kink and sexuality-affirming psychotherapist, tells Metro: ‘There’s so much choice that people are having surface level interactions which aren’t translating into real emotional connection or chemistry.
‘Dating apps have gamified sex and intimacy, making it much harder to build trust and connection.’
Ghosting culture also doesn’t help, she adds, because we’re never going to have that reassurance that we’re going to have our needs met in that relationship, emotionally and physically.
There’s also pressure to be literate on dating apps and market yourself to potential sexual and romantic partners – something Katie says a lot of people struggle with.
‘Clients who come to me don’t feel like they have the tools to build a profile that makes them seem interesting to people online, and find it overwhelming,’ she says.
As a result we end up in an online purgatory, never quite making it to that point of physical connection.
The pressure of perfection
Unrealistic beauty standards and online personas leave us susceptible to feelings of not being enough, and where there’s little confidence, a sexless life is more probable.
‘Everyone has to be so attractive; so wealthy; so cool; or have something good to say – and a lot of people don’t feel like they fit into that,’ Katie explains.
‘So they feel quite rejected and isolated, insecure and more excluded than they’ve ever felt.’
Fast-food worker and Virgin Island participant, Emma, 23, says: ‘When you see a lot of celebrities on Instagram they’re so perfect, comparing to people online means I struggle with my self-esteem.’
She was even called the DUFF by her ‘friends’ growing up, which refers to the ‘designated ugly fat friend’.
To counter this, Virgin Island experts make participants wear a uniform, so they focus on their feelings rather than their self image.
Katie adds that this pressure to conform is something she’s noticed driving people into incel culture or involuntary celibacy. ‘They don’t have the emotional literacy or confidence and security to go into the world of sex,’ she explains.
For those who struggle to speak this social language, they then feel like ‘I’m not going to bother’ and then feel like they don’t have a way into sex.
Having sex has become political
On the flip side, some are choosing not to engage in sex, particularly in the wake of Donald Trump’s comeback, which sparked a western revival of the 4B movement – a radical ‘femcel’ ideology where women refuse to date, have sex with or marry men to eliminate risks to themselves.
Initially a Korean cocept born from generations of inequality and violence, American women were inspired after Trump’s administration once again ascended to the White House.
It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy
Once you feel disconnected from other people’s experiences and people make fun of you, or are surprised when you haven’t had sex, you can easily get stuck in a cycle.
How I Do It diarist Hannah confessed she was a virgin to a group of friends, and recalled their reactions. She wrote: They’re all doing a terrible job of hiding their obvious questions. What do you mean, never had sex? Like ever? She can’t be serious? Never had sex, isn’t she 23?
‘I can’t stand the fake optimism that follows when they say “good for you for waiting for the perfect guy” or “hang in there”. I’m definitely not waiting for the perfect guy and I’ve been ‘hanging in there’ for years.’
This creates a fear of socialising and forming deep connections, according to therapist Katie.
‘If you’re a 30-year-old man, you’re going to be afraid to socialise with others in the pub because the topic of sex and relationships is going to come up,’ she says. ‘So people withdraw from it altogether and isolate themselves.’
It’s no wonder we haven’t punched our V-cards
For those who are virgins and want to have sex, it’s no wonder it feels impossible at times.
But Katie says there are ways to empower yourself to be ready to take that step. ‘Get really good at solo pleasure, prioritise it,’ she says.
‘Get to know your body, exactly what you like, exactly what you don’t like, the pace, the place, the touch, the setting, how long it takes you to warm up, so that your sexual language is really clear.
‘This makes it much easier to translate it into a situation with someone else, which takes out an element of the unknown.’
With a lot of misinformation from our peers and porn, and a lack of comprehensive sex education, Katie also suggests subscribing to certified sex educators online where you can educate yourself.
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