It’s the age-old question: do you snitch on a cheat?
It’s pretty much agreed that being unfaithful to your partner is wrong, but inserting yourself into the drama is quite another thing.
That’s the issue for our reader this week, who has learnt that his uncle is having an affair. And, to make matter worse, it’s happening right on his doorstep.
His uncle and his mistress aren’t exactly being discreet, but our reader is conflicted.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to read last week’s column, from a bride-to-be who is understandably having cold feet due to her husband’s drinking problem.
The problem
I’ve recently discovered that my uncle (mum’s brother) is having an affair with the woman who lives next door to us. They’re both in their 50s, and I know you’ll say that’s not very old, but to me it’s gross in every way.
For a start, I really like my auntie and feel bad that she’s being made a fool of. Secondly, the neighbour woman has been married and divorced three times, has bleached blonde hair, tattoos, and walks round dressed like a teenager. I can’t get over the fact that my uncle even likes her.
My parents have a lot of barbecues and parties, so I guess they met at one of these get-togethers. I spotted them smooching at a pub quite a distance from where we live, and they were so loved up with one another, they didn’t even notice me. I told my girlfriend we needed to leave because I didn’t want to risk being seen myself.
Since then, I’ve been checking the footage on our Ring doorbell, and more than once I’ve seen him sneaking up her drive.
My uncle and aunt are regular visitors to our house, and it’s sickening to see him acting all loving and fake, when I know the truth. He’s such a phoney, but of course I haven’t got the nerve to say anything to him.
The only person I’ve discussed this with is my girlfriend, who tells me just to let them get on with it.
The advice:
I don’t think it really matters that your neighbour bleaches her hair or dresses like a teenager – what outrages you is that your aunt is being cheated on, and your uncle isn’t the person you thought he was.
That said, you don’t know the intimate details of their relationship. Things are seldom as straightforward as they seem, and what your uncle does in private is really none of your business. After all, you wouldn’t expect him to pass judgement on your life. And, do you have any idea what your auntie gets up to behind closed doors?
I usually say you shouldn’t get involved in other people’s relationships, but I get that you feel bad for your aunt and find this hard to live with. It’s irrelevant that they’re in their 50s (and you’re right – I don’t think that’s very old!). The important thing is, cheating at any age means that someone is likely to get hurt.
So, taking your aunt’s welfare into consideration, you should simply confide in your mum and tell her what you know. She may be horrified by what you have to say, but on the other hand, she might know things you don’t, especially when the affair is happening so close to home.
Hopefully your mum will have a talk with her brother; he should at least be told that he’s been seen, and his indiscreet behaviour is unfair and unkind.
Then just put it to the back of your mind and leave them to sort their own problems out.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
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