The 7 main reasons why you’re ‘chronically single’ and can’t find love

While there’s plenty to love about the single life, as time goes by and you never get past the talking stage, it’s easy to start wondering why.

Just under two thirds of UK adults are currently coupled up, with the majority of people entering a new relationship in less than two years after a breakup.

Before you compare yourself though, keep in mind that these figures cover the whole spectrum – from sweet elderly couples who’ve never spent a night apart to serial monogamists who are so terrified of spending a night alone that they settle for anyone.

In reality, there’s no set length of time when being single becomes an issue, and not being in a relationship is always better than being in a bad one.

But if you feel like you’re ‘chronically single’ despite your best efforts to find love, there’s no harm in exploring what’s hampering things.

So to help discover the reason for cupid’s arrow always whizzing past you, we asked relationship therapists and dating coaches the issues they see time and time again.

Unrealistic standards

According to couples counsellor and psychosexual therapist Annabelle Knight, many ‘chronically single’ folks have an idealised vision of love, often ‘shaped by things like social media or romantic films.’

And as such, ‘they may dismiss potential partners for not meeting an exhaustive list of traits or anticipate an instant, overwhelming spark.’

Michelle Begy, MMI-accredited matchmaker and founder of Ignite Dating agrees, telling Metro it’s ‘one of the most frequent issues’ she comes across.

‘This might mean prioritising things like height, job title or shared hobbies over emotional compatibility and shared values,’ she explains. ‘But while standards are important, perfectionism can become a defence mechanism that keeps intimacy at a distance.’

Looking for love in all the wrong places

‘If you’re looking for a committed relationship in a club or a pub there is little chance that you will find a good match,’ Dr Tara, relational sexual communication professor and Celebs Go Dating sexpert, tells Metro.

Since the boozy setting can cause you to lower your standards, she recommends starting with dating apps – with the caveat that you use them mindfully so you don’t get burnt out, and create an ‘honest profile of what you truly want.’

Alternatively, ‘ask friends to introduce you to someone they think would be a good match.’

Putting up walls

In some cases, a subconscious fear of being hurt (particularly if it’s happened before) can lead you to avoid opening up emotionally – a necessary step for a lasting relationship.

Annabelle, who’s an expert with Lovehoney, tells Metro: ‘Some people stay single because they associate intimacy with loss, betrayal, or rejection. As a result, they either avoid dating altogether or maintain superficial connections that never deepen.

‘True connection requires emotional risk, a leap many are reluctant to take.’

Low self-confidence

RuPaul’s most poignant tagline, ‘if you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you going to love someone else?’ applies here.

BACP-accredited love and relationship coach Heather Garbutt tells Metro that people who struggle to find love often harbour ‘powerful unconscious beliefs about themselves and others, which make being in a relationship feel more of a danger or something that is not possible for them.’

These beliefs – including the likes of ‘I am not good enough’ or ‘I am not wanted’ – are typically rooted in childhood trauma, and can unconsciously harm your ability to connect.

Alongside making it harder for someone to start a relationship, Heather says that a lack of self-confidence can mean that when love does happen, it may not last as they ‘inadvertently train their partner to treat them as if they’re invisible or as if they don’t matter.’

Dr Tara echoes this, saying that the harsh truth is, some people simply aren’t ready to date because they haven’t worked on themselves.

‘I’ve observed this problem consistently,’ she continues. ‘That’s why personal development is so important. Become a beautiful garden and the butterflies will come.’

Picking the wrong partners

Low self-worth can then bleed into choosing the wrong partner, which Heather says ‘can make for some very unhappy relationships’ destined to fail from the start.

‘Often rooted in early family dynamics, some individuals unknowingly gravitate toward familiar, though unhealthy, relationship dynamics,’ explains Annabelle.

‘This can lead to repeatedly choosing partners who mirror unresolved issues, such as emotionally distant figures or chaotic relationships.

‘Without self-awareness or healing, these patterns become self-fulfilling cycles.’

Not making room for a relationship

Although you shouldn’t sit around waiting for a relationship, are you sure have space for one in your life, either practically or emotionally?

On the tangible side, Michelle says this can include someone ‘working long hours or being stuck in a comfortable routine,’ while mentally they may be holding on to baggage from the past that’s taking up their headspace.

‘Others say they want a relationship, but in reality, aren’t putting themselves in situations where new connections can realistically happen,’ she adds. ‘Dating requires a level of intention and openness that’s hard to maintain if your life is already at capacity.’