‘We’d never had an argument. We still haven’t. We’re trying to find something to fight about.’
These were the words of loved up George Clooney, when speaking to CBS interviewer, Gayle King, about his marriage to wife Amal.
You’d be forgiven for letting out at least a little sigh. George and Amal met way back in 2013, and they’ve never had a row, not even a bicker.
While we’re happy to hear the Clooneys are living their best A-lister lives, relationship humble brags like these can be a sure fire way to make you worry that your own partnership isn’t up to scratch.
And it’s not just about arguing (or a lack there of). We’ve all know that couple who chat about their ‘easy baby’, or how they just can’t keep their hands off each other, or have a mother-in-law that’s on a fast-track to sainthood.
Of course, these brags might well be true, but counsellor and psychotherapist Clare Patterson says that people really want to show off a ‘polished’ relationship. ‘You say something enough times you might start to believe it,’ she tells Metro. ‘You’re sort of brainwashing yourself.’
Why do we do this? Couples therapist Natasha Silverman explains that Hollywood and TV give us a poor idea of what a healthy, successful relationship looks like – and it leads a lot of people to think they’ve failed without one.
‘A lot of people also have parents who’ve had a relationship break down and the implications for them were distressing, so they cling to the narrative that they would never put their children through that,’ Natasha adds.
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We narrowed down five of the most eye-roll inducing statements we hear couples say (and some that we might be guilty of ourselves) and asked the experts what it really says about a relationship.
‘We never argue’
‘When a couple tells me they don’t argue, I wonder what they’re sweeping under the rug, because every couple has points of tension in their relationship,’ Natasha tells Metro.
‘It’s a complete myth that couples should avoid conflict and be deliriously happy. It’s about arguing well rather than not arguing. Have constructive arguments – it’s okay to feel big feelings and get it wrong.’
Those on Reddit agreed. ‘Whenever people say they’ve never had an argument in years I just assume one person is really passive,’ wrote @Toesinbath.
Others felt it means your relationship lacks ‘passion’ while some were distraught at the thought of missing out on make-up sex.
‘We always have sex’
Another popular humble brag that makes our eye twitch, is announcing you have loads of sex, all the time, and will be doing so for the rest of eternity.
But this isn’t necessarily the flex you think it is. ‘While it’s fantastic to have well-aligned sex drives, it’s not healthy to always do it when the other wants it,’ Natasha explains.
‘We aren’t sex dolls; we aren’t just made to meet our partner’s sexual needs.’
This puts a lot of pressure on the partner with a lower libido, meaning it can feel like hard work, she adds.
‘You’re not going to always be in the mood to watch a movie at the same time, so why would you always be in the mood to have sex at the same time. It’s just not possible – which suggests it might be a job that needs to be taken care of.’
Counsellor Clare says: ‘It’s frustrating when people suggest they’ve cracked the code and have a perfect life and sex life – things are never always perfect.’
‘It was love at first sight’
If the first time you met your partner, you thought they were just okay, don’t panic.
The cliché of ‘love at first sight’ isn’t quite as glamorous as we’re led to believe.
‘In reality we’re talking about chemistry, and chemistry is a lot of chemicals like cortisol and dopamine that create anxiety,’ Natasha explains.
‘Both anxiety, fear, and excitement, are processed in the same way by the brain as arousal.’
So, if you’re around lots of new people, it’s likely your brain is going to release these chemicals, meaning you feel butterflies or more of a spark.
Redditor @ema_yya gave her two cents: ‘I think some people have a very wide and fast imagination, and can project a fantasy life on someone from one glance.’
‘They THINK they have but they haven’t. It’s more like lust at first sight! I don’t think you can love someone you don’t know,’ added another.
‘Falling for somebody before you know anything about them also probably doesn’t speak to a well thought out decision about the partner you’re choosing,’ Natasha adds.
‘We don’t air our dirty laundry with anyone’
There’s certainly been times where we’ve been moaning about that one sticking point in our relationship, only to have someone turn their nose up and say they’d never share something like that. Okay then.
But therapist Natasha believes we should have a select person or people who we talk to about what’s going on in our love lives.
‘Couples become very locked in to certain positions when it comes to couples conflict,’ Natasha explains. ‘The lense isn’t wide enough to consider different perspectives, so it’s really important to have someone to talk to.’
It’s also a safety problem – if one partner wants to keep everything private, it can often emerge later on that it’s an abusive or harmful relationship, she adds.
‘We never go to bed angry’
Sometimes you just need to sleep on it.
Natasha agrees: ‘This might sound like a sensible strategy but reconnection doesn’t need to be forced before bedtime. Doing this means partners are still mentally offline and can’t have a regulated conversation, empathise, validate and think of future solutions.
She advises that, instead, “moving on” as quickly as possible, you should take time to understand where the other is coming from, even if you sleep on it.
This is something Redditor @Dennis_enzo agrees with. He wrote: ‘I prefer going to bed angry (annoyed would be a more accurate word). Because when I wake up the next day, all emotions about the argument are gone, and I can reassess the disagreement much more clearly.’
Which couple humble brag annoys you the most?
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Boasting about constant sex
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Saying it was love at first sight
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Insisting they keep their relationship totally private
Quit humble bragging
Regardless of which humble brag you’re guilty of, counsellor Clare says it’s time to quit bringing them up in conversation.
‘I’ve met very few people who have come to a point in life where there’s nothing more for them to work through, and they have no underlying challenges, insecurity or anxiety,’ she explains.
‘Less than 1% of people have total relationship openess and contentment I’d say, because people have their sticking points and stubbornness.
‘Wanting to seem so perfect is frankly narcissism – wanting to be seen as having it all – and if you do these humble brags, you’re just seeking something that’s unattainable.’
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