As far as I’m concerned, questioning your sexuality is as natural as breathing.
Still, when I heard Ella Rae Wise’s remarks on Celebrity Big Brother last night, I sighed.
Talking to influencer JoJo Siwa, drag queen Danny Beard and presenter Angellica Bell, she said: ‘I want to have a girl experience.’
JoJo responded: ‘They say, if you have the thought that “I wonder if I’m gay”, then you’re gay.’
Ella replied: ‘Oh god, I’ve had that thought quite a bit.’
Having been in Ella’s position – uncertain of my own identity – I sympathise with her wanting to explore her sexuality with another woman. But I’ve also been the woman targeted by the curious person seeking a ‘girl experience’.
So I find her remarks a double-edged sword.
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For years, I ignored my queerness. When I finally felt comfortable exploring my sexuality at the age of 18, I was desperate to be with a woman.
I’d daydream about that first time – how it would feel, what answers it would give me (if any), and what it meant for me moving forward and looking for a long-term relationship.
Despite all my insecurities and what ifs, being with another woman felt natural. Some women find that, after their first time with a woman, they never want sex with a man again. For me, I knew that as much as I loved sex with a woman, I still enjoyed being with men.
I’ll admit, for years this confused me. Not because I didn’t believe in bisexuality, but because my identity seemed to constantly shift – one minute I felt certain I was a lesbian, the next I related more to pansexuality. Then, in a curve ball that really threw me, I was sure I was heterosexual.
It was only as I further explored queer online space that I learnt that I’m abrosexual, which highlights a fluidity in sexuality – meaning your identity often shifts over time.
Learning this didn’t come directly from intimacy with anyone. However, without my experiences with both men and women, I’d never have felt the need to look deeper into my identity.
For a lot of LGBTQ+ people, we need that initial experience to know for certain how we feel. That’s by no means a universal rule of thumb and you can know your sexuality without ever being intimate with someone (I have a bisexual friend who knows she’s bi, yet has never been with a woman. She’s no less authentic for that fact).
However, if Ella was to seek out a woman to finally explore her identity in greater depth, I’d hope she’d do so with sincerity and care. Because for all of us that are searching for our first time, there’s a woman that’ll be on the receiving end of that interaction, hoping against hope you’re not using her to play out some fantasy you had on a whim.
As I said earlier, I’ve been the one expected to put up with that, and it’s as emotionally taxing as it sounds.
When I came out at university, suddenly several of my female acquaintances were a lot more touchy-feely with me, especially after having a drink. The way they held me changed, as did the way they talked about sex.
They’d nuzzle into my neck while we hugged, they’d straddle me and pretend to pin me down, or they’d ask about what toys I used when I had sex with someone.
Every question was asked through stifled giggles, all eyes on me as they waited with my response. Suddenly, they were a bored, well-fed indoor cat and I was the mouse they intended to toy with just because they could – because I was there.
The atmosphere tangibly changed to something more voyeuristic. I’m not saying any of them were genuinely attracted to me; if I’m totally honest, I believe it was just a big joke to them. Nevertheless, the way in which they feigned attraction was confusing, to say the least.
I laughed it off, yet deep down it stung because my identity was a source of entertainment. Whether they deliberately framed it that way is immaterial – in their eyes, I was that ‘girl experience’ they could have in university if they so wished.
Not only did they assume I’d be willing, but they also felt it was acceptable to treat my sexuality like food you pick from a menu.
Ella may not have intended her words to carry such meaning, but the way she talked about wanting an ‘experience’ made it sound like she wants to try sushi for the first time; it’s so flippant.
LGBTQ+ people aren’t there to be tried if – and when – you feel like it. While those of us who know our identity and are out appreciate that everyone starts somewhere, that doesn’t mean we’re OK with taking your uncertainty in our stride.
No, not every connection needs to be more than a one-time thing – I’m an advocate for casual sex and flings as long as everyone involved is a consenting adult. Yet, even a one-time tryst needs to be built on a foundation of respect.
It isn’t just the way Ella talks about intimacy with queer women that makes me weary though, it’s the way in which her frivolity feeds into the unrelenting stereotype that queer women – especially bi and pan – are promiscuous and therefore open to these throwaway hookups.
Fetishisation dogs a lot of queer women, as if we owe society something because we’re viewed as a piece of the puzzle that doesn’t quite fit.
You like more than one gender, how can that be? Well, you must be greedy. You’ll obviously cheat. Just make up your mind. All of this is said in ignorance and without consideration.
Trust me, after my article on coming out as abrosexual circulated online, everyone and their dog had an opinion on my identity and how genuine it is.
Ella may be queer. It’s not for me to say whether she is or isn’t, nor is it my place to attempt to force her to decide; I’d be no better than ignorant online commenters if I did that.
I just hope that whatever she learns, if anything new about herself at all, is that she doesn’t end up unwittingly fuelling the stereotypes queer women are desperately trying to tear down.
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